Friends and Family Letter

Dear Family and Friends,

It has taken me four years to write this letter. For a time, it seemed like the most difficult news to share, but now my family’s need to move forward supersedes any insecurity about how to articulate myself. For some of you, a straightforward, concise delivery will suffice, while others might desire more information. For the former, I will rip off the figurative Band-Aid, and you can stop reading whenever you’re ready. For the latter, I will elaborate by answering some questions you might ask.

So here we go . . .

Jack, our eldest child (8), is transgender. This means that doctors identified her at birth as male but that she identifies herself as a girl. Together with my husband, Michael, and our younger child, Walter, we fully support Jack in her affirmed gender. We ask that you respect our decision and our daughter’s identity by referring to her as a girl and by using she/her pronouns. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Sarah

Wait—what? you might ask.

Yes, you read that right. When Jack was born, doctors looked at her visible genitalia and identified her as a boy, but Jack says that she feels like a girl inside. This is what is known as transgender—when your gender identity (the way you feel inside) does not match your sex (the way you look outside). The explanation is easier to comprehend when some key terms are understood.

Often, the terms sex, gender, and sexuality are incorrectly used interchangeably. They are not the same thing. In this context, sex is your physical, reproductive organs; gender is how you see yourself as male, female, or something in between; and sexuality is your sexual attraction as heterosexual or homosexual, among other identities. In other words, sex is what you go to bed with; gender is who you go to bed as; and sexuality is whom you go to bed with. Gender identity is not the same thing as sexual attraction. While many children don’t experience sexual attraction until they’re older, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics, most children have a stable sense of their gender identity by age four.

How could a child possibly know something like this? you might protest.

That’s an interesting question. How old were you when you knew that you were a boy/girl? If you’re cisgender like me, which means that our gender identity aligns with our sex, I’m willing to bet that you never really thought about it—that you just sort of always knew. You probably never questioned it because you never had to question it. The way people treated you and expected you to behave and dress matched the way you felt inside. But that’s not the case for people who are transgender. For these people—Jack included—the mismatch between the way they feel inside and the way people treat them and demand they behave is so acute that it causes psychological distress known as gender dysphoria.

Gender dysphoria, exacerbated by a lack of familial support, is why 41% of transgender teens attempt suicide. When you consider the condemnation of and legalized discrimination against the LGBTQ community, especially transgender people, it is not difficult to understand why this number is so high. That 41% suicide rate drops dramatically, however, when a transgender teen has the support of at least one parent or family member at home. We support our child.

Understanding Jack as transgender did not, at first, come naturally to Michael and me. We have spent the last two years educating ourselves on what it means to be transgender. We have met with medical experts, taken Jack for psychological evaluations and enrolled her in therapy, attended seminars and self-help groups, and read stacks of medical texts and relevant autobiographical narratives. Most informative for us has been meeting other transgender and gender non-conforming children and their families and listening to the parents describe the exact observations and struggles we have experienced. This helped us to understand that Jack’s gender identity is not something that Michael, I, or even Jack actively created, but is something she was born with—as inherent and irrepressible as skin color.

But let me back up and answer a more fundamental question: What happened? How did Jack come to say that she is transgender?

We know that this can be difficult to understand, especially when you have not seen Jack regularly over the years, so let me tell you what we have seen.

Jack was not quite a year and a half old when her little brother Walter was born, and with Walter’s arrival, Michael and I settled into what we thought was a house of boys. Family and friends showered us with a variety of gifts—mostly blue, often sports or dinosaur related, never pink. But from the time that Jack was able to show preference regarding clothing and toys, she has been drawn to traditionally feminine items. In the morning, we would dress her in pants and a shirt, and when we picked her up from daycare, she would be in a pink tutu and tiara, running with a pack of girls. At the toy store, she ran to the girls’ aisles. At clothing stores, she pulled skirts and sparkly tops into our cart, and at home, she fashioned dresses out of my oversized t-shirts. Then, around the age of four, Jack told us that she is a girl. She told us several times, and just as many times, we told her she was wrong. Still, we allowed her to dress up at home, and most school days ended with Jack rushing inside, dropping her clothes on the floor, and pulling on her “girls’ clothes.”

Then came kindergarten. On the first day at her new school, Jack tried on a purple dress from the class “Creative Center,” and one of her classmates made fun of her. From that day on, our vivacious, confident child began to turn inward and wither. Over and over—anytime we asked why she seemed sad, and sometimes when we didn’t ask—she would tell us the story of the boy who mocked her for wearing girls’ clothes. “People don’t understand that I’m a girl,” she would say. At school, teachers commented on Jack’s inattention and struggle to grasp fundamental concepts, even those in which she had shown past proficiency. On Saturdays, I would look out the window and see Jack dancing through the garden with a scarf secured to her head, cascading down her back like the long hair she drew in self-portraits. But on Sunday evenings, as we would discuss the upcoming week, she would grow silent. All of the detailed plans she once created were replaced with shrugs.

That spring, Jack walked into the kitchen and said, “Mom, I am a girl.” Again, I kneeled down and said, “You know you don’t have to be a girl to like girl things,” to which she replied, “Yes, but I am a girl who likes girl things.” This time, I listened. I threw myself into research and sought to learn everything I could.

Michael, however, did not yet understand the true nature of Jack’s struggle and did not want to discuss it. Jack could sense her dad’s lack of support and began to withdraw from him, as she was withdrawing from everyone who criticized her feminine preferences. Eventually, she stopped talking to me about her gender identity and began wearing overtly “masculine” clothing all the time. Just as Jack had watched us pack bags of only “boy clothes” when we went to visit grandparents in Houston, now at home she saw that her identity upset her parents, and she actively worked to repress it.

Then the facial tics began. They started with her nose, then spread to her jaw. “Help me,” Jack cried to us. “I don’t know why I have to do this.” We took her to her pediatrician and a pediatric neurologist. By the time Jack sat down with a pediatric psychiatrist, she sometimes struggled to complete a single sentence without jerking back her head and repeatedly clearing her throat. “Jack has ADHD,” one doctor said. “Jack has Tourette’s Syndrome and OCD,” another said. “Jack could have any of these disorders,” the last one said, “but gender dysphoria might be the primary condition.” The acute emotional stress that Jack felt regarding her gender identity and her family’s lack of acceptance was making physical impact, manifesting in tic behavior so severe that she could not concentrate in class or even while watching a TV program at home. Such is the damage caused by hiding our true selves.

But when Jack later saw that both parents supported her, the tics went away. Meeting with other parents of transgender children was a transformative experience for Michael. He came home, sat down with Jack, and told her that he believed her and that he loved her no matter what. Not only that—Michael found opportunities to invite Jack to express and discuss her gender identity so that Jack could feel her dad’s support. And the tics went away.

Not only that—her academic performance improved across all subjects. When Jack stopped worrying about whether or not her parents loved and accepted her—about whether she was safe at home—she began to build on this foundation and flourish.

Michael and I then began to navigate the fine line between actively supporting our child and not pushing her into something she was not ready for. We enrolled her in therapy and followed her lead. Fearful of inciting more teasing, Jack chose to continue hiding her gender identity in public. This worked for the first half of first grade—no teasing—but then Jack began to grow depressed about hiding her true self from her friends. Slowly, she began to come out to individual friends. Many were confused, most said something like “Okay, want to race to the monkeybars?” and the vast majority, according to Jack, didn’t really get it and soon forgot. This, she understood, was because she continued to present as a boy, line up with the boys at school, and go by male (he/him) pronouns. Nonetheless, Jack ended first grade in a much happier emotional space than kindergarten. Her two best friends understood that she is a girl.

But as summer came to an end and second grade approached, the tics returned. Jack cried to Michael and me: “No one understands that I am a girl, but if they see that I am a girl, they will laugh at me.” When these opposing desires became a broken record and the tics’ severity increased, we called a meeting with her school’s principal, guidance counselor, and second grade teachers. It was just three days before the first day of school when Jack—surrounded by school administrators and faculty—told a room full of adults that she is a girl and that she wants people to refer to her as she/her. Everyone agreed, and Jack and our entire family felt the powerful circle of support around us. The tics went away.

For nearly three months now, Jack has been living publicly as her affirmed gender. This is called a social transition, when you change your outward presentation to that of a different gender. Jack has not changed. She is the same person she always has been—albeit significantly happier and more confident. But now her outward appearance (her clothing and hair) and her pronouns (she/her) match the way she feels inside. In this way, social transition isn’t really a transition for the transgender person; it is a transition for everyone else, who must shift their understanding of the transgender person’s identity. For many people who have been in Jack’s daily life, this hasn’t been a transition at all. People see Jack for the beautiful, funny girl she has always been.

But how did this really happen? you might say. Did you encourage it?

No. Every parent wants what is best for their children. Consider society’s negative attitudes toward transgender people. Why would we wish for our children to suffer physical and verbal harassment, legalized discrimination, and judgment? We did not cause our child to be transgender. Our child was born this way, and we choose to believe and support our child.

But I’ve never heard about transgender children until now. This is all just a fad, and some kids think it’s cool to be different.

Being transgender is nothing new. But as our society grows more inclusive and more people recognize that gender and sexuality are spectrums, people feel safer in asserting their true selves. Yes, some kids might think it’s cool to be different—though I think you’ll find that most just want to blend in and be accepted—but children don’t willingly make themselves vulnerable to harassment and ostracism for the sake of being different. Children don’t cry themselves to sleep and attempt suicide because people don’t think they’re different enough.

But it’s a dangerous world out there, and children can be cruel, you might protest. For the sake of your child’s health and happiness, you should not encourage this.

You are right. People can be cruel, and so far, the most excoriating responses we have encountered have come from adults. These adults deliver their judgments with promises of the best intentions, but they fail to consider factual, medical research about gender identity and gender dysphoria. More importantly, these adults judge and criticize without knowing Jack and the struggles that she and our family have endured for the last four years. Intolerance is learned, and for the most part, Jack’s classmates have been nonchalant about her social transition. I don’t mean that they have rallied around her with rainbow flags, but that they don’t care. Jack’s gender identity is a non-issue, just as the gender identity of her classmates is a non-issue.

But there have been a few times when classmates and new kids have questioned or mocked Jack for wearing “girls’ clothes,” and these isolated incidents have upset her. Being made fun of is something that we can probably all relate to and agree that we would not wish on anyone. You might also know, perhaps from personal experience, that it often doesn’t matter how much we try to conform; bullies and insecure people will find something for which to ridicule us. When your children or grandchildren are teased or criticized, they come to you for support. We want our children to know that bullying has no place in our family—that no matter what happens outside our home, we will always love and accept our children, no matter who they are.

What if it’s just a phase? you might ask. By allowing your child to live like a girl, you could be forcing them into an identity that they might grow out of. You could be confusing her more.

Our job as parents is to support our children. This doesn’t mean giving in to every whim to keep them happy but to show them we love them and to teach them to make informed decisions that will help keep them safe and prosperous. No one is forcing anything. Michael and I have been listening to our child and giving her space and time to discover who she is. Since the age of four—an age when children understand their gender identity—Jack has been telling us she is a girl. By supporting our child, we are doing our job as parents.

But let’s say that Jack’s gender identity is just a phase—that sometime in the future, Jack will realize that she is a boy. What would happen then? What would happen is that, again, we would do our job as parents. We would listen and support our child. In either situation, phase or not, the outcome remains the same: our child knows that her parents love and support her no matter what.

So what should I do? you might wonder.

Thanks for asking. First of all, please take some time to process all that I have written. If what you have read upsets or angers you, please set the letter down and come back to it when you’re ready.

If, after reading this letter, you want to share your own thoughts, know that I am open to hearing them. If those comments and questions are of a critical nature, please direct them to me, not my parents and certainly not my children. My email is ____________________. If you feel that you cannot be around my children without criticizing Jack’s identity and our support, then please continue to give us space.

If, however, you would like to continue to be in our lives, you can help by respecting Jack’s gender identity and her ability to know herself. Jack likes she/her pronouns, gymnastics, art, Nintendo, and playing with her friends.

Thank you for reading.

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Want to know more? If I can convince you to watch one video, please watch “Raising Ryland.”

VIDEO: 'Raising Ryland': Parenting a transgender child

https://www.cnn.com/videos/us/2015/03/17/digital-shorts-parenting-transgender-child-orig.cnn/video/playlists/digital-short-films-t1-for-specials-page/

VIDEO: Kai Shappley: A Trans Girl Growing Up In Texas | Emmy-Winning Documentary | them

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuIkLNsRtas

TEXT: Gender Spectrum: Resources: Parenting & Family https://www.genderspectrum.org/resources/parenting-and-family-2/